relationship problems & communication management

By Yana Dubinsky, Psy.D
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Relationships are hard! When we struggle at relationships, it is often because we are not communicating well with one another. In fact. communication problems are one of the most common topics discussed in psychotherapy. Turns out no one is born a great communicator and we could all learn to relate better.

There are several rules for effective communication we can all use to become better at relationships: 
  • DON’T interrupt, take turns talking
  • DON’T prepare your rebuttal while your partner is speaking, your job is first to listen
  • When speaking, break your thoughts up into 3-sentence chunks, and give your partner a chance to reply. This will help you decipher what your partner heard, and what they didn’t
  • Utilize tenets of assertive communication: concise, direct, and honest communication. Primary focus on the word concise. Otherwise, it can be too much information (read: too many words) for your partner to digest and you may find your partner overwhelmed, which can lead to shut down.
  • Use I-Statements (not You-statements). Maintain focus on how events or actions made you feel. Avoid statements of judgement and blame. This tends to evoke defensiveness and non-productive communication
  • As the listener - use meaningful follow-up questions to stay engaged
  • As the speaker, identify and name your feelings
  • Avoid getting caught in a posture of convincing your partner that you are right, instead focus on helping their understand your perspective!
Unfortunately, sometimes we fail to communicate effectively, even though we know of and try to practice these rules. That is where your therapist can help! At PCPA we look at the context of your current and past relationships, and carefully assess barriers to changing dysfunctional patterns. We then collaborate with you on identifying specific communication and behavioral interventions that can remedy what ails your relationships, and we give you space to practice these strategies in therapy. 

For situations where both partners or multiple family members are each struggling to communicate and relate effectively with one another, we offer Couples and Family therapy. 

Dr. Dubinsky is available to see adults with relationship issues and other psychological problems out of our Chicago (Lakeview), and Chicago (Streeterville) locations.
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