Grief
By Dr. Meryl Pankhurst
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler in their book, “On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss,” grief is “the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing.” (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005; 227). The process of healing from a significant loss can vary dramatically from one person to another and is often contingent upon a person’s personality; the nature of relationship to who, or what, was lost; diversity variables such as family, cultural background, and beliefs; as well as to the nature of the loss, whether it be sudden or prolonged bereavement, personal or parental divorce, interpersonal abandonment or breakup, job loss, or loss due to another circumstance. While individuals grieve differently, grief is ultimately the transformation of self as you attempt to experience continuing bonds with, not detachment from, who or what you have lost.
While tears are one of the various ways in which you release your sadness, and emitting tears is an innate healing mechanism, you may repress the primal release because of the accompanying sadness you inevitably feel and prefer to avoid. Alternatively, you may tell yourself that crying is an unacceptable display of emotion based on the way in which you have been socialized. Whatever the reason, unexpressed tears do not disappear; the associated sadness resides in your body. Therefore, it is important to free the pain through the expression of tears as a way to enable healing. Accordingly, one of the first interventions your therapist may encourage you to practice is allowing yourself to cry.
Confronting the loss head on instead of denying or avoiding it is another powerful early intervention in psychotherapy. Writing is a tool that allows self-exploration, self-expression, and self-discovery and provides you with a safe space to simply be, without judgment. Writing is especially useful when there are words difficult to utter aloud, emotions difficult to openly express, and closure seemingly impossible to achieve. Specifically, confrontational writing may help promote integration of the irreversibility of the loss into your psychology and permit acceptance of the loss. Some queries to consider when journaling about a loss include:
-What did you love the most about the person and your relationship with him or her?
-What do you miss the most?
-What do you wish he or she would do/know/say?
-What would you do or say if the person were still here?
-What is your fondest memory of the person?
According to Robert A. Neimeyer (1998) in his teachings on narrative strategies in grief therapy, reflecting on the imprint left by significant individuals whom you have lost can be another powerful way of coping with loss in therapy. The following writing exercise may help you to trace the indelible mark that a relationship has left on you (Neimeyer, 1998):
The person whose imprint I want to trace is:____________
The person has had the following impact on:
-my mannerisms and gestures:____________
-my way(s) of speaking and communicating:____________
-my work and pastime activities:____________
-my basic personality:____________
-my values and beliefs:____________
The imprints I would most like to affirm and maintain are:____________
The imprints I would most like to relinquish or change are:____________
As a way to find some semblance of an ending to a process that involves the integration and acceptance of a loss, it may be helpful to review what happened and why, to seek out missing pieces of the narrative of the loss and fill in the gaps by retelling it to a friend, a family member, a mental health professional, or journaling about it.
Finally, some individuals explore and identify ways to turn their grief into something additionally meaningful like Candace Lightner, whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver, and who then directed her anger and outrage into founding the organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD).
Call or email today to find out more about PCPA and how one of our therapists may help you cope with grief and guide you through the process of healing after a loss.
For further reading:
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.
Neimeyer, R.A. (1998). Lessons of loss: A guide to coping. New York: McGraw Hill.
Dr. Pankhurst is available to see patients ages 18 and up at our Chicago (Streeterville) location and over telehealth.
While tears are one of the various ways in which you release your sadness, and emitting tears is an innate healing mechanism, you may repress the primal release because of the accompanying sadness you inevitably feel and prefer to avoid. Alternatively, you may tell yourself that crying is an unacceptable display of emotion based on the way in which you have been socialized. Whatever the reason, unexpressed tears do not disappear; the associated sadness resides in your body. Therefore, it is important to free the pain through the expression of tears as a way to enable healing. Accordingly, one of the first interventions your therapist may encourage you to practice is allowing yourself to cry.
Confronting the loss head on instead of denying or avoiding it is another powerful early intervention in psychotherapy. Writing is a tool that allows self-exploration, self-expression, and self-discovery and provides you with a safe space to simply be, without judgment. Writing is especially useful when there are words difficult to utter aloud, emotions difficult to openly express, and closure seemingly impossible to achieve. Specifically, confrontational writing may help promote integration of the irreversibility of the loss into your psychology and permit acceptance of the loss. Some queries to consider when journaling about a loss include:
-What did you love the most about the person and your relationship with him or her?
-What do you miss the most?
-What do you wish he or she would do/know/say?
-What would you do or say if the person were still here?
-What is your fondest memory of the person?
According to Robert A. Neimeyer (1998) in his teachings on narrative strategies in grief therapy, reflecting on the imprint left by significant individuals whom you have lost can be another powerful way of coping with loss in therapy. The following writing exercise may help you to trace the indelible mark that a relationship has left on you (Neimeyer, 1998):
The person whose imprint I want to trace is:____________
The person has had the following impact on:
-my mannerisms and gestures:____________
-my way(s) of speaking and communicating:____________
-my work and pastime activities:____________
-my basic personality:____________
-my values and beliefs:____________
The imprints I would most like to affirm and maintain are:____________
The imprints I would most like to relinquish or change are:____________
As a way to find some semblance of an ending to a process that involves the integration and acceptance of a loss, it may be helpful to review what happened and why, to seek out missing pieces of the narrative of the loss and fill in the gaps by retelling it to a friend, a family member, a mental health professional, or journaling about it.
Finally, some individuals explore and identify ways to turn their grief into something additionally meaningful like Candace Lightner, whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver, and who then directed her anger and outrage into founding the organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD).
Call or email today to find out more about PCPA and how one of our therapists may help you cope with grief and guide you through the process of healing after a loss.
For further reading:
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.
Neimeyer, R.A. (1998). Lessons of loss: A guide to coping. New York: McGraw Hill.
Dr. Pankhurst is available to see patients ages 18 and up at our Chicago (Streeterville) location and over telehealth.
